9:54 PM
Procrastinating perfectionist
Let me just start off with the main reason I haven’t been blogging. I have been allowing depression to get the better of me, plain and simple and with the New Year I want to work on becoming happy again. I have struggled with depression ever since the birth of my second son and have been on medication since then but I hate the meds and what they do to my body. The side-effects have made me go on and off my meds more times than I care to count which I know have contributed to my severe mood swings. I’d like to get to a point in my life where I can be free of all medications for my depression. But at this point in time that’s not going to happen.
Depression is evil. It’s scary and it’s all consuming. How many times can my friends be blown off because I simply don't have the energy to go out? How many aches and pains can I complain about before my husband doesn’t care anymore? How many days can I spend sleeping my life away because being asleep is the only place I don’t feel sad? God, writing that just brought tears to my eyes because the truth is sad and painful to acknowledge. I know this might be too personal for some to read and to be honest I don’t care if a single person reads this entry. It’s for me. I need to be honest with myself about my depression and the excuses I make in life to cover up for my anxiety.
Last year sucked. It did, it sucked big time. My husband and in-laws are in their own pain from losing my brother-in-law unexpectedly and since my husband has been dealing with his own sadness of losing his only brother I have been the one to talk to my mother-in-law and having lost my only brother 16 years ago I know what they are going through but at times it brings up all the sadness I have from losing my brother.
Then the financial stress of having our new home damaged by the flood and the hail/windstorm within the first month of moving in seemed to top things off for me. We kept hoping that we had been through enough that bad luck would leave us alone. Then Jason got laid off from his job that we had moved to Colorado for. We were still paying for the move and he gets laid off? Seriously? Then if things couldn’t get worse we found out that for reasons unknown to us Jason is deaf in one ear and learned that his loss is so severe he doesn't even qualify for a hearing aid. No illness, no injuries to his head or ear and he’s partially deaf at 40.
The next thing we learned is that my brother in laws widow is staying in Peru permanently and we will never see our niece unless we travel to Peru to see her. Which we plan to do one day when the boys are a little older and can afford to but we also found out that she is getting married. The thing that bothers me about this is she met this man while she was pregnant with my niece. My brother in law died when she was 3 months pregnant and within a few months of his death she’s dating while she is pregnant?! Is that just not wrong to anyone else in this world? This, of course has sent my poor MIL into an even deeper depression knowing they won’t return and it just eats you up inside knowing she is over my brother in laws death enough to re-marry. Her third marriage. Ugh. Anyhow, so with all these negatives in my life I am working so damn hard at making positives happen and turn my life around. I keep telling myself things could be worse. I am thankful that through everything I still love my husband and he still loves me. My boys are great kids and I am thankful I have them. When all else fails in this world my kids keep me going no matter how dark things become. They are my light.
I have to make things better in my life for me. And I will. That is my promise to myself, to my husband and my kids. <3
Quote of the day:
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction. - E. F. Schumacher
Here’s a recent photo from this past weekend. We decided to drive to Evergreen to ice-skate and unfortunately they closed the lake 12 minutes before we got there due to poor ice conditions so we headed back to Morrison for lunch.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry about all you and your family has been through the last year. Good for you that you have decided to take charge and work on happiness. We haven't been nearly as much as you this past year but it has felt similar with our move and all the negative changes that brought to our family, the death of my grandmother-in-law, and other dramas...it's been a hard time for me and I could have written your second paragraph almost verbatim. But we have also gotten to a point we're just sick and tired of the depression and complaining and problems and have decided to spend this year focusing on positivity and putting ourselves back together...moving was the biggest mistake we've ever made but can't stay a victim forever. That is getting old. So...anyway, here is to you, and me, turning things around this year! I look forward to more of your updates.
Thanks Mel! I am to that point and then some. I am ready to move on and be happy again. To be the old Tamara. Not this sad depressed reclusive mom. Ugh. Moving like you did is a really huge step and alot of people dont get it. When we moved to Illinois in 1999 I went through such depression and then Jas decided to move to Arizona 5 years later and it was the best thing for us! Moving back home has been good and I am never moving out of State again! Hugs girl. I plan on blogging more to help me through this and I am greating a diet blog to make me own up for my own self.
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