Trying so hard to stay positive!

I hate the way I am feeling today and while most days are great along comes a day that just brings me down. Last night all I could do was lay in bed and think, think about trying to find a job (yes, the search is still on) any job that will allow me some flexibility and make enough money that I am not wasting my time. Just when I think our lives are getting better hubby comes home and opens a bill and his mood is shit for the rest of the night. That was last night. So of course since I don't work I feel guilty. Guilty for staying home with the kids and putting us in the financial toliet so to speak. I am truly trying to better our situation by going to school. Once I earn my degree I have the ability to make really good money but that degree is a long time away.

As I lay awake last night all I could do was think of ways to make money. I feel like I am already stretched to my limits of what I can add to my plate with three kids, fulltime school and taking care of the house. Studying alone takes up a huge chunk of my time. Where the hell am I going to find the time and energy for a part time job? God I hate feeling this way. Feeling guilty for not being able to contribute and kind of tired with how my hubby reacts. There was a time when I was 100% completely independent and now I totally have to rely on him for everything. "Honey, I need gas." grumble grumble...... "The kids are out of milk and can you pick up some bread?" grumble grumble..... he took away my credit card and gave me a small allowance to use any way I want but still it all goes to food for the kids.

I love my husband more than anything and if it weren't for the stress of money we would have a perfect relationship but I dream of the day that I earn my own money and get my freedom back. *sigh* that's a long way off.